Crossroads of Life

Life is a journey spread out in different paths. The crossroad is the point of your life when you choose which of those paths to take.

Be beautiful. Be strong. You have to wake up in the morning and go to office and work. You can do it. You have to show to me that you can.
These words still ring in my head like a bell and hits me like a ball, every month. As if I can still hear them, drowning me in a quiet, dark and foggy place, back to sadness, back to that night.

We talked for awhile. I thought that everything will be ok. I thought that I can still change the things I’ve done. I thought that we can reconcile again. And I thought that he will still hold on after what I have done. But everything was changed and I never thought that it was the last night for both of us.

Can we talk?
these were the only words I can utter in my lips. I don't know what to say. I don't know how to approach him. And I don't know what to do. I looked him in his eyes. Looking for an answer. An answer that can convince me.

If you want to stay, stay. I'm not forcing you to leave. Stay if you want but don't expect anything from me. I'm still here but I won't go back. I'm tired.

I don't know if I did absorb it. It's like I'm just in a dream and don't want to wake up. I thought that he'll still hold on. But he already let loose the tie that bonds us.

I will just leave. It will be ok for both of us if I leave. I said to myself…

The night seems so cold. I walked away with all my things packed, left nothing but him. I shed tears, my heart was screaming like I don’t want to go and leave him, but my mind is telling me to go, it’s for the best. The pain is like a hell. It’s killing me. It’s like I was stabbed million times and cannot stand again. Thinking that what if I didn’t do that… what if… what if…so many what if’s…

After that night I go back to the place. Not just once but twice. Just want to lie down in his bed. Feel like I’m still there and did not left. I’d wait for him for a long time. I just wanted to talk to him again. Thinking that I can win him back. That I can still fix the broken glass. Well, it’s just me who think that everything will be ok. So many words have been said. So many tears I shed in front of him. I cried in front of him. Begging, saying that I will go back and stay with him. But it seems that he did not hear anything that I have said. It’s like I’m talking to a stone. Hearing and feel nothing. He just replied “It’s not easy. It will not be easier especially for you.” Then it hit me, something I never expected he already had another girlfriend. I thought that I’m just the only one in his life! But I guess he was just so tired of me. He was so tired of everything about us. He was so tired to accept me again and again then doing the same mistake again. Maybe it was my fault. I don’t know what I want in my life. I don’t know who I want to be. And I can’t decide if what I want to be in my life. I’m always confused. Confused of everything that’s why I’m always leaving him and then go back again. But this time, it was totally different.

Do you still love me?I asked him.

He looked me in the eyes the paused for a minute. And as I was looking at his face, all I can see was sadness in his eyes. I’m still waiting for him to answer my question.

NO. he replied.

I don’t know what to do after what I’ve heard. I don’t know what to say. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath and suddenly I stopped crying. What I felt was hatred. He told me everything. He’d given me hope like “We can still be together. I’m always here for you. I’m not leaving you. But for a moment let’s separate. Let’s see if we can’t live without each other, then we will talk again.” And those were the reasons why I still hold on. But at just one snap of a finger, the truth creeps in. It was all just a lie. He thought that I’d be fine, and that’s why he uttered those words to me.

It’s over. I’m tired. It’s hurting me so much. And this will be the last time that you'll be seeing me again!
but, at the back of my mind it was telling me to fight. To fight not for him, but for myself. I stood up and walked away but before I did that, he hugged me and said that it’s for the last time. But I did nothing; I did not even resist nor feel anything for him, I just standing still as he was hugging me. After that, I walked away, with my head straight up, and never looked back.

After a month living without him in my life, I can say that I became stronger women. Strong enough to stand on my own feet without relying on someone. I've endured the pain for sometime, but not anymore. I suffered, but I can say that I am stronger now. I became a better person. I am living for my own life not for someone. And I’m pretty sure that someone will come along my way, sit beside me, to be with me, and to share his life with me in travelling this journey of life.

Life is a journey. Sometimes, we make mistakes, but, the best thing to do is to learn from it, and not dwell on it. Life is so beautiful. We have to see its wonder. We should be thankful for this life and everything that God has given us, good or bad. If at one point in your journey, you failed, think that it’s just a test to mold you to become a better person. If someone, or something becomes a stumbling block for you, instead of whining, make that stumbling block a stepping stone for your success. Never think that the problems are there to break you. It may be painful and hard to go through them, but remember, it’s just like a sculpture; it has to be held by a skillful hand, using knives and chisels, cutting, polishing and grinding, a painstaking process, to create a masterpiece. And just like a caterpillar, who passes through a very narrow hole at the bottom of its chrysalis, painfully forcing itself out, enduring all the pain, but at the end, when he gets out of that situation, becomes a beautiful butterfly.

Along my way, in my journey, I saw different crossroads. And during those times, I made some critical decisions. Decision which may build or break me, and can drastically change everything in my life. But I have to live by it. Choosing means that I will not be blaming nor dwelling on the consequences of my decisions, but to learn from them. And this has certainly made me the person that I am today, a strong person. But that does not mean that my road has ended, for as still as blood runs through my veins, my journey is still on, there are still so many roads to take, so many crossroads handle with, and still so many lessons to be learned.

P.S. ang inyo pong nabasa ay isang fiction lamang. Wala po itong kinalaman sa buhay ng author at ito ay gawa lamang ng kanyang malikot na isipan. Sana po ay nagustuhan ninyo at kahit papano eh may napulot kayo kahit piso.

► About the Author:
Daragang Magayon came from Bicol Region. She currently lives in Dubai.

1 Reactions:

A-Z-3-L said...

“Let your mind start a journey thru a strange new world. Leave all thoughts of the world you knew before. Let your soul take you where you long to be...Close your eyes let your spirit start to soar, and you'll live as you've never lived before.” - Erich Fromm

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